What the fuck is with people and starting conversations about American Politics?
Do I look american?
Can I vote for the next president?
No. So fuck off.
Now, it seems like American politics is the COOLEST topic to talk about these days. Does anyone know anything about what’s going on in Canada?
Didn’t think so.
Oh, and Hillary Clinton is a bitch. Am I sexist? No. She’s just a dumb bitch.
If she was a man, he’d still be a bitch.
Everything I ever thought I knew about voting has been washed away. America has seemed to bring forth a whole new version of voting… voting with fractions!
How does one procure .5 of a delegate? Do we cut them in half? Do they identify with both sexes? Are there CLONES? (Holy shit, clones would vote in fractions, totally).
But for serious… What can we assume from this?
As a precursor to this story I feel that I should tell you a bit about the situation.. I work the front desk at a hotel in Halifax. One of the more expensive ones; we see guests like Tegan & Sara, George Canyon, DJ Tommie Sunshine, that sort of people.. oh and Senators.. but not the MOST expensive hotel in Halifax - they get the real A-listers!
Now when working the front desk at a hotel, if any of you know, can be quite a chore. You get to manage the following:
Now back to my actual point to this article… I met a senator today!
We knew he was coming, he didn’t catch us by surprise. His secretary booked him into a smoking room. He is one of our VIP’s, meaning he stays with us a lot! Those are the facts that I have when he shows up to the desk to check-in at 11:30am (our check-in time is at 3pm). I asked him about the particulars of his reservation, and he immediately reminded me that he was Senator Baker, not Mr. Baker (oops sorry sir, I mean Senator , I wont make that mistake again). He also was not a smoker apparently, and was extremely offended “I” would dare put him in a smoking room, cause it is obviously my fault.
Moving on from the smoking/nonsmoking issue… its 11:30 in the morning, our check-out time isn’t until 1 in the afternoon. I have a few rooms ready. I check him into one of them. Done and Done. No problems there. OK. Now this is where it gets fun!
He shows up back in front of me not 3mins later. What’s the problem? the room is unsatisfactory.. he is a Senator after all. This is his exact comment “We cannot stay in that room, it is claustrophobic, and unsatisfactory, my wife just had knee surgery and needs space to walk around (?), we have always been upgraded to the presidential suite and I want to make sure that happens again for tonight.. if that can’t happen we will take the next best room for tonight.. and instead of staying here for three nights we will take our business elsewhere and check-out tomorrow”
WOW! thats all I had to say, of course I am used to demands/ultimatums like this ( I was a concierge for a spell.. and you should hear the stuff people demand with empty threats to back them up), so I calmly assessed the situation and spoke to my manager who was beside me the whole time. Our thoughtful solution was that we wrote out a list of rooms he could have, and gave him the master key, he could pick any of them, and just call us and let us know which one he chose, 20mins later he called with his final decision. We also sent him a bottle of wine, for the inconvenience of letting him choose any room in the hotel he wanted!
I hope you all have learned, that if you have a job title, money, and an attitude problem you can do whatever the hell you want.. not only can you do whatever you want you get free booze because of it!
Its a crazy world. If he doesnt seem like that much of a dick to you folks. Get a job at the front desk of a hotel. You will end up hating the general public before you know it.
So the other day, I was going through my e-mails when I ran into a FORWARD.
That’s right, a “FW:”.
Now, usually I delete that shit so fast, but for once, I actually read something fairly good that I figure I should pass on to whomever plans to read this.
“Folks, if you are not aware of the attached ICE campaign it may be something you may wish to consider & share with others. It’s a simple but very effective idea…
ICE - “In Case of Emergency”
We all carry our mobile phones with names & numbers stored in its memory but nobody, other than ourselves, knows which of these numbers belong to our closest family or friends. If we were to be involved in an accident or were taken ill, the people attending us would have our mobile phone but wouldn’t know who to call.
Yes, there are hundreds of numbers stored but which one is the contact person in case of an emergency?
Hence this “ICE” (In Case of Emergency)
Campaign:
The concept of “ICE” is catching on quickly. It is a method of contact during emergency situations. As cell(mobile) phones are carried by the majority of the population, all you need to do is store the number of a contact person or persons who should be contacted during emergency under the name “ICE” ( In Case Of Emergency). The idea was thought up by a paramedic who found that when he went to the scenes of accidents, there were always mobile phones with patients, but they didn’t know which number to call. He therefore thought that it would be a good idea if there was a nationally recognized name for this purpose. In an emergency situation, Emergency Service personnel and hospital Staff would be able to quickly contact the right person by simply dialing the number you have stored as “ICE.” For more than one contact name simply enter ICE1, ICE2 and ICE3 etc. A great idea that will make a difference! Let’s spread the concept of ICE by storing an ICE number in our Mobile phones today!
Please forward this. It won’t take too many “forwards” before everybody will know about this. It really could save your life, or put a loved one’s mind at rest. ICE will speak for you when you are not able to.”
Seems like a smart idea and an easy enough thing to do…
In case you didn’t know, today is International Bullying Day and I urge you all to wear something mean. Leather Jackets with Hells Angels logos are preferred.
The purpose of this day is to raise awareness of the persecution of bullies in the school system and in other areas. In recent years, bullies have been marginalized by the media and society. They have been outlawed and forbidden to practice their craft without fear of punishment. It has come to the point where the “classic bully” has been all but replaced by the “cyber-bully”. In an age where we pride ourselves on tolerance, it is totally unacceptable that bullies be treated in such an unfair manner. Today, February 27, 2008, bullies everywhere will rise up and take back what is rightfully theirs: your lunch money. That’s why I encourage everyone to show solidarity with the bullies and wear leather jackets. Actually, anything but pink will be fine.
Oh, I’m sorry, does that conflict with your National Anti-Bullying Day?
Well tough. My awareness day is at least ten times as badass as your awareness day and just as official. Furthermore, the bullies will be having a grand old time roughing up and extorting money from any dweebs wearing pink for Anti-Bullying Day.
Support International Bullying Day and wear whatever you want.
If I dropped a mozzarella stick on the floor…
(a) would refrying it make it clean?
(b) am I justified in asking the waiter at Dennys to do so?
If you answered yes to both those questions, then I feel better about myself and my 3AM Dennys brinner (breakfast/dinner).
The stupid questions; ridiculous demands and requests; pimps and whores; and the completely insane! Some of my favorite comical moments in the hotel industry. I say part 1 because I have a feeling, no wait, I know that this will be a reoccurring topic cause people aren’t going to suddenly smarten up overnight as much as we in the hospitality industry would love them too
Guest = G Front Desk Agent = A
G: How much is the breakfast?
A: It’s complimentary sir.
G: So how much is it?
A: complimentary.
G: [confused face]
A: FREE Sir, its FREE!
G: oh, why didn’t you say that?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
G: Is your hotel pet friendly?
A: No, unfortunately we only allow service dogs
G: What if its a small dog?
A: No
G: But its just small, it wont make any noise?
A: No
G: BUT it’s just for a little bit, its my friends dog and they are visiting.
A: No sir, we don’t allow dogs in the rooms.
G: But…
A: NO, if it doesn’t help you see, hear, walk, talk, or shit the dog is not allowed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
G: [room 402 calls] Where are the ice machines?
A: On every odd floor.
G: [room 402 - 5 mins later] I just went to find the ice machine and I couldnt find it.
A: Oh? What floor did you go to?
G: The 6th.
A: Sir, the ice machines are on every ODD floor, so on the floors with odd numbers like 1,3,5,7.
G: Oh ok! You should really have told me that.. or just have ice on every floor.
I grow tired of seeing articles that are not worth my time, and as a result, have decided to lay the groundwork to help others write quality articles as well. Here are are a random collection of “Do’s” and “Do Not’s” for writing on the interweb’s many blogs - including this one.
Please note, the point of this article is not to attack anyone personally, rather a general criticism of the writing I have seen and what can be done to improve it. Try to understand that being an intelligent person does not imply you can write worth shit.
Rule 1: Titles Are Important
I don’t know how many times I have read an article to discover it’s contents in no way imply or converse the properties of the title that came before it. Here’s an example of a bad title: False Hope
I would ask to have its purpose explained to me, but a title should not need to be explained. A title should allude to the purpose of the article and possibly even draw our interests in such that the writer can indulge us.
Rule 2: Pretending to be spiteful makes your writing cliché and lame
Anyone can pretend to write like Maddox or the plethora of other internet writers whose success on the internet is thanks to their unrivalled levels of spite and hatred for the human race. However when a writer with no credibility or background begins to write spiteful things, that very spites authenticity as well as quality is generally questionable. That is not to say a new writer cannot “break in” to the spite writing scene, rather you have to be extraordinarily talented at it. Throwing in random lines in an attempt to scold people or sound bad-ass just makes you sound like a douche-bag, not the bad-ass alpha male you wished to imply.
Example:
Horatiu wrote a fantastic article about gypsies. The whole thing came together beautifully and the writing was to say the least; on par with my expectations. His only mistake, dare I say fatal mistake, was to write this line at the end of the article:
“So if you guessed the second one without the help of the first, you win. Now go procrastinate somewhere else. “
Why? who gives a fuck? What if I’m not procrastinating? This does not connect with me as the reader. It presumes I’m a loser and commands no respect. The writer/reader relationship is give and take. If you are going to beat them down, build them back up. In this context however, it is a moot point as the second sentence is entirely out of context of the entire article. You lose the theme and the overall hatred for gypsies that the article imposed on you. And now despite the entire article connecting with you thanks to it’s strong writing, it disconnects you at the end, possibly too abruptly. It should also be noted that if you want the reader to continue reading your shit, do not tell them to go somewhere else; the power of suggestion is stronger than you imagine.
That all said and done, this is a MINOR mistake. The kind of mistakes that most articles are so fucking full of, that I can stand to read them. Fortunately for Hora, this was only a minor slip in an otherwise grade A article.
Here’s a quick example of someone else doing the same thing poorly:
“Want to know what pisses me off?”
“Well probably not, but you don’t have a choice.” -Jesse
And here’s an example of it being done correctly:
“Now usually most advice I receive from others promptly passes through me like a loose bowel movement, however, this time I felt the need to heed the advice of someone whose option holds a substantial amount of clout. ” - Corey
What’s the difference between these two? One directs itself at the current reader, the other directs it at the general population. Both presume that people have no rights and that the writer is generally more bad-ass than all others, however the second lets the reader feel like maybe they are bad-ass too. It gives the poor sap a glimmer of hope that maybe you aren’t mocking them, rather everyone else but them.
Rule 3: If you can use a smaller word instead of a larger word, choose the smaller one
This is fairly basic. If you are writing and you are thinking of using a bigger word, but a smaller more easy to understand word is available, use it instead. This is not to say you should limit your vocabulary, rather using bigger words when unnecessary just makes you sound like a pompous cock. It also opens you up to more criticism and attack when you are too goddamn stupid to use the words properly. Stick with what you know, and stick with what’s easier to read and your writing will not only be a cleaner read, but open to a wider variety of readers.
Rule 4: The purpose of publishing writing is to entertain, even if you write for yourself
When you write something that is incoherent and unintelligible, you are doing yourself a disservice. I know that many people make the argument that “they are writing for themselves” or do not care what others think. In that case I say, write it in a fucking word document and keep it to yourself.
Other people should not be subjected to shitty writing for the same reason they should not be subjected to shitty films. When you write and ultimately publish something, it is because you intend to share your thoughts with others. I cannot stress enough: please communicate these thoughts clearly. As a writer, you are also an entertainer. If you cannot communicate these thoughts clearly, no one will be entertained and the reader will lose interest immediately and move on.
As a writer, you should avoid doing the following as to not risk losing your reader:
Presuming the reader knows your inside jokes, or what you are talking about.
Scattering your thoughts
Using words that do not suit your vocabulary
Rule 5: Writing should either have a point, or be open to multiple artistic interpretations
First off this(A) article has a point, while this(B) article does not, nor does this(C). I suggest looking at all three and comparing them.
An article need not have a point if it is simply to amuse or provoke thought. Postings like videos, or posts with images, or even hilarious little interludes and thoughts about life need not have a point. However when a post begins to discuss any issue or present a topic, it must then have a point such that it has a purpose to being read. Much like an essay needs a thesis, all writing needs a point so the reader knows they are going somewhere.
Reading, just like writing, is a journey. You need to bring the reader along with you and show them that you are going somewhere. Randomly writing lines that feel unrelated and throwing some dashes in between (C), or rambling angrily line after line with no final point in mind (B), just makes you appear to lack thoughtfulness.
Finally - Tips and tricks for writing more interesting articles
Tip 1: Write things that your target audience may want to read. If your writing is on the internet, chances are that people reading your articles are on the internet too! You don’t need to explain geek speak to them, we’ve all seen it before. One article goes in detail about how to speak “leet” for average folk. This is unnecessary, everyone here and everyone that comes to this page is going to know what it is. If the intent was not actually to inform, than my suggestion would be to make the piece more satirical instead as to provide entertainment instead of redundancy in knowledge.
Tip 2: Be controversial without being overly offensive, and if overly offensive go so far over that no one doubts it’s satirical nature.
Tip 3: Write like you have something to share. Be proud of the story you are about to tell and make it clear you want other people to know about it. This leads to tip 4.
Tip 4: If you are ever thinking of writing “I was going to do this, but didn’t” or “never mind that”. Don’t. If you choose to remove or not include something in your writing, don’t try and create some form of loss over it, simply do not include it. Your writing will appear stronger and without compromise. Only allude to more information if you plan 100% on releasing it at a later date in time, and even then - only when including it would be an entire digression from the original article.
Tip 5: Foreshadow. You do not need to be writing fiction to do this. When you are writing you should intertwine the article together such that the reader can relate what they are learning or reading about now back to what they learned or discovered earlier. This will give the reader a greater sense of accomplishment in reading what you have presented to them.
Critical Summary of Article
Finally I would like to show you a critical summary of Hora’s latest entry such that you can understand why I feel it is a good piece of writing. I will reveal what my thought process was when reading this article.
First off, Horatiu offers the reader a challenge. This connected me instantly. As the reader, my opinion instantly counts and I am drawn by his offer of participation. Following this we are presented with the correct answer and an explanation. These are in the form of paragraphs and the ideas are presented in a coherent fashion and organized properly. I am instantly drawn into reading the rest of this article, and so I begin.
“The first gypsy shown here is scamming you for your money with your consent. You pay her and she bullshits something about you having an unfortunate death. It’s all for entertainment, so you don’t mind losing the five bucks.”
A brief story, but amusing. He has written proper sentences and there is a sense of flow in his ideas. It is even well written enough to contain tone, which is a mix of humour and seriousness. He continues this story as follows:
“The second gypsy is scamming you without your consent, without you even knowing in fact. As she tells you a story about her unfortunate life and her multitude of destitute children, these believe-it-or-not real children of hers are pickpocketing the clothes off your back.”
Bam, punchline. All the thoughts of this story are concluded with this paragraph. He shows the comparison between the two, utilizing organization to make his thoughts clear in two seperate paragraphs, allowing him to contrast the situations. His use of words such as “multitude of destitute children” reveal he is not afraid to utilize a strong vocabulary but isn’t overdoing it either. The words fit like a glove and enhance the sentence as a whole, really giving it character. I did not feel when reading it that I could have improved a single word. His use of dashes in “believe-it-or-not real children” imply a sense of “are you fucking kidding me”. Which fits in with the entire theme of his post. Never does the Horatiu step out of his literary character keeping you locked in with every word he writes.
Like I said earlier, it’s a shame the last sentence sucked.
But now you know what is contained in a good piece of writing and why. With these 5 rules, 5 points, and step by step example: I deem this tutorial complete. I hope that this information proves useful to those of you whose writing is questionable at best.
Here’s a little game. Guess who’s the real gypsy!
Her:
Or her:
The first gypsy shown here is scamming you for your money with your consent. You pay her and she bullshits something about you having an unfortunate death. It’s all for entertainment, so you don’t mind losing the five bucks.
The second gypsy is scamming you without your consent, without you even knowing in fact. As she tells you a story about her unfortunate life and her multitude of destitute children, these believe-it-or-not real children of hers are pickpocketing the clothes off your back.
So if you guessed the second one without the help of the first, you win. Now go procrastinate somewhere else.
